My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize