I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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