Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
