just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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