Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
