When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
