she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
