He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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