I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Shame - the story of my life.
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