when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
