My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
