What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
