Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Randomize
