your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
