Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You pole danced in your parka.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
