you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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