Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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