You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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