You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
