Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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