I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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