like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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