She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
