now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
