You smell like stripper and shame
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Randomize
