I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
They took my balls.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
