she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
