I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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