Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
