as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
