i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
