If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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