He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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