I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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