You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
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