Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
