the condom got lost in my hair
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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