He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
