How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
