The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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