hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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