Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Floor bacon is actually really good
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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