a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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