I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
