just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
