I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
