Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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