i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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