I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
