She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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