Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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