i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
