For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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