She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
