i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
