I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Randomize
